35 weeks

And bloody scared. It's 5am and I'm awoke since 4 am or so, unable to sleep and praying for more and more movements. We are in our new home, which is still a mess but we managed to have a nice bedroom and a very comfy bed. I can hear the stream of the water and the birds. But I just can't sleep. I can't help but thinking that today last time Jacopo was already struggling inside me while I was having unaware sleeps and dreams. If he tried to make me understand he wasn't all right, I did not get it and this is something very hard to be over. I pray that Bianca will make me understand, I pray that she is fine in there. I want these last days to fly by.

John sleeps as a little baby next to me, god bless him and again I can't help but look at him and see my boy who had his nose and his beautiful black hair and I wonder if he can see me here, typing my thoughts at dawn, crying my eyes out and hoping that his little sister will arrive safe into this big world, maybe black haired like he was, to bring us joy and hope and to fill up a little bit that deep black hole which I have in my heart for almost one year.

Always loved never forgotten!

11 August

That's gonna be the booked day of induction. How do I feel? That's a really good question: I have no idea. Numb, emotionless, neutral.
She has dropped down, I felt her all day long, my consultant visited me and assured me that everything is looking good and I still live as if I'd walk on the cliff edge. Everyday I wake up waiting for a tragedy to happen.

I have to say that this odd situation has its bright side: everyday when I realise the tragedy hasn't happened I feel blessed and my never-ending joy is renewed over and over again.

11 August... 3 weeks to go. Could the Gods look after us, for once!

Is this your first baby?

- No, it's my second.
- How wonderful. And how old is your first one?
- He died

Frozen air.

I'm going through this on a daily basis. The first time it happened I was shocked and I lied. The second time I replied that yes, it was my first and mentally apologised to Jacopo. But then I felt so guilty that I swore it was never gonna happen again. Since the third time my standard reply is reported on top of this page. How kindly I deliver the concept that Jacopo left us depends on a few factors:
- if I'm in a good or bad mood
- if the person asking is a perfect stranger or not
- if the person asking asks during a conversation or throw out the question thinking that it's all right to mind my own business just because I'm pregnant.

Whichever is the way I explain that Jacopo did die, I feel 1000 times better this way than denying my son for the sake of people. I'm sorry if it's not the answer they expect, I'm sorry if this is shocking, incredible, terribly sad. I'm sorry if they feel uncomfortable, it is really not my problem. Finally I reckon it's about time that people get to understand that a dead child is still a child, and so, no, this isn't my first baby, and yes, I have a son who died. And, more importantly, NO, I won't forget my son JUST BECAUSE now I'm carrying a daughter. This is a very inaccurate assumption.

End of line.

Repainting our new home

We spent the whole day repainting our new home. I repainted as well, slowly and with frequent stops, but I did my part in the building up of our place. We made our bedroom and the nursery and pieces here and there of the other rooms. Later in the afternoon I sat down exhausted in my small terrace watching at the parrots on the tree in front of me. I thought that Bianca will love them, green and yellow, noisy and happy. I also heard many low flying planes on their way to Heathrow and I thought that Jacopo would have love them as any other little boy loves planes and trains. And again another moment of "will" and "would have" and again I felt happy and sad and in the middle of nowhere and so tired of not being able to say "is".

I hate pregnancy

It's a necessary evil, I know, because hopefully it will lead me to fulfill my dream to be a earth mum but nothing at all changed since last time. Pregnancy is a pain in the arse, makes you feel uncomfortable, makes you lose control of your body and makes too many people mind to your own business.
I see nothing attractive in being a huge whale which barely moves.
I want my baby here now and my functioning body back.

Bianca

Come l'insieme dei colori dell'arcobaleno
Come la spuma delle onde dell'oceano
Come un raggio di sole che penetra le nuvole
Come un foglio che deve essere scritto con parole d'amore
Come una tela che verra' riempita delle immagini piu' belle.

9 months ago

and 2 months to go. Where am I? Everything feels so unreal. Jacopo has never been, Bianca will never be. Do I exist?
Jacopo was born 9 months ago and he was real even if all I have is a picture on my wall and him forever in my heart. Bianca is supposed to be born in 2 months and she is kicking, so she should be real as well. Why do I feel so confused and scared and numb and confused again?
Bianca please, come, hold my hand and bring me back to earth. Jacopo please, keep and eye on us all and don't let anything bad happen. Love you both, little children. Mum

I'm listening

I feel you growing. I can feel you are getting stronger. Don't give up my love. I don't trust my body but I trust you. You'll let me know if something is wrong, if you don't get enough from me and if you are not fine. I'm listening, any second of my day, any single heartbeat of my heart which rings with yours, just a bit slower.

Nesting

I made the bags: one for me one for you. Yours isn't ready yet, I'm waiting for the 'tiny baby' stuff still but everything else is clean and ready. Are you gonna let me use it, this time around? Are you gonna give me the chance to show you what kind of gorgeous mum you have? I'm typing, you're kicking, this sounds familiar.
Now it's time to move towards unfamiliar scenarios, where you cry and drive me crazy and I lack of sleep.
Not long to go, but it feels forever. No long though. Keep growing up steadily, keep kicking and rolling and please... come on earth and home with me.

To my little lady

If you'll ever arrive safe on this earth, we will walk its roads together, hand in hand. You'll learn the beauty of flowers, the feeling of the sun on the skin and the sea on your feet. You'll see the seagulls and the gooses on the riverside in front of home and you'll touch the grass, the leafs and the cherries from the tree. We will visit cities and lands, we will fly over oceans and rest on green fields and we will love each other so much that we can barely bear.
And we will find a confortable place together, where we will go every time we want to stay with you angel brother.
Please my sweet little lady, come home with mum and dad, come home and grow up and be our gift, our rainbow after the storm, our hope, our second special child.