Friday, 23 May 2014

Fabio and I

Fabio is a darling little boy who sleeps and eats and cries and grows up and so on. He is going to be 1 month old tomorrow but tomorrow is Saturday so I already know I won't have the time to sit down and write a post to honor his first monthiversary (this word actually exists).
In his one month of existence he can count: 1 orange hitting his little head, 1 well done slap in his face, 1 quasi-roll over from the Moses basket, several pinches.
His mother (me) counts several slaps in her face, several yells in her ears, several kicks taken, much less patience.
I'd love to write a post about "Fabio and I" but I've come quite quickly to the conclusion that "Fabio and I" actually have not really existed so much. On the contrary it is very much "Fabio vs Bianca and I as a mediator".
It is not entirely true of course. During school hours I have got plenty of time to enjoy my new baby, with lots of cuddles and kisses and that amazement of milk stench all over my clothes, but my head spins much more than back in 2011. Back in 2011 I was totally relaxed and drowned in my new role of Earth mum. I loved every second, I can clearly remember that amazing state of mind.
This time around I'm more concerned about Miss Big Sister than in love with Little Bro.  B is definitely struggling with this new arrival and all the other changes she's gone through in the last 6 months. Can't really blame her, but on the other side, I can't justify unacceptable behaviors. And the middle ground isn't easy to find.
Plus I feel guilty because I'd love to give Fabio what I gave to Miss Big Sister back in 2011.
But things change, and for us too many things have changed. I guess I'm in this space of mind because I'm not entirely comfortable with my new life and this is why I'm experiencing more "bad mummy moments" than I'd like.

Monday, 12 May 2014

One of those weekends

spent entirely at home to reorganize pointless items arrived with our 58 boxes from London. My favoured weekends...
A nice 39+ C fever on top of this.
So I can now count a grumpy unwell little girl tearful most of the time, a hungry newborn which does what newborns do: preventing me to sleep properly, an hysterical husband who is trying to rationalise why that pair acts as they act and a house which looks like the scenario of a bomb explosion.
Now little girl is asleep, newborn is asleep, husband is relaxing at his computer. I'm left with the mess. And instead of tiding up, I chose to write this post. Fuck yeah!

Little girl awake: end of peace!

Sunday, 4 May 2014

Miss Europe

Yep, I must admit it. I bloody miss London, my friends, the vibe and inputs of the City I called home for such a long time.
And I must admit I bloody miss Florence, too. I barely remember how it was living there but sometimes memories come back when I read an article or a friend Facebook status.
Twice I was perfectly integrated and overall happy and twice I left.

We have a quite intimate lifestyle here. We know very few people and very often it's just the four of us trying to make sense of our lives. Everyone struggles for its own reasons: John with work,  future directions and having a almost three years old daughter which acts as a teenager; me with my issues of a high educated professional all of the sudden become a SAHM; Bianca with school, new friends, deciding if she's Elsa or Anna and her new role as big sister and Fabio with boobs, hiccups and poos (he is the one in the best position so far).

I know that things will get better in time, once we have friends and we'll have found our place. But for now it is a bit sad and a bit hard and sometimes I question if this was worth it after all.