CiaoLapo, Thanks

The Ocean took Jacopo and sent Bianca

The day's gone

and I feel I didn't do enough in memory of my boy. We spent the day among us, bringing Bianca out of London for the very first time. I thought about him all day. Memories came back more painful than ever. Bianca kept me busy enough. My imagining's been overwhelming sometimes. I also found the time to cry a bit, not much, maybe not enough.
I wanted to do something very special but I haven't even had the time to light a little candle and now that the day has gone I feel guilty.
What kind of mother am I? no answers, no emotions at the moment. I'm only an empty bowl which just wants to sleep and dream of a pain free world.

Memories

Today one year ago my lovely boy died in my womb maybe in my sleep. I did not realise until later in the afternoon he wasn't moving. This memory still kills me after 365 days.
Jacopo was then born after 3 days, peaceful, perfect and beautiful.
I remember every single second of that awful night. Words and emotions that sound out loud.
Now that Bianca is here, everyone is so excited with her that just forgot Jacopo or at least this is my impression. It hurts badly .
I just want him to be remembered.

Being a parent after loss

put everything in perspective. I'm so happy pregnancy is over that I of course did not have any baby blue, I'm not worried about sleepless nights, dirty nappies, daily laundries and breastfeeding issues.
Whatever happens now on is for sure better than a funeral.
The worst is over! (for a while at least)

Hiccups

The most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life

Io, le rivolte e i disastri naturali

Ero in Peru' nel 2000 quando Lima era sotto assedio per l'elezione di Fujimori, in Nepal nel 2001-2002 quando i maoisti erano in rivolta e c'era il coprifuoco (meta cambiata perche' originariamente dovevo andare in Egitto, ma date le torri gemelli mi sembrava saggio evitare paesi arabi), nel 2004 vado in Birmania e a fine 2004 lo tsunami distrugge la Birmania. nel 2005 parto per il Brasile e un brasiliano viene ammazzato durante i disordini di Londra: allerta in Brasile per possibili rivolte. Vado in Thailandia nel 2006 dove notoriamente non succedeva una sega da decenni e esplodono un paio di bombe a Bangkok il giorno prima.  Dopo qualche anno di tregua quest'inverno scampo per un pelo l'inondazione in Australia e ora che devo andare a partorire (dopodomani), Londra e' messa a ferro e fuoco dai rivoltosi che stanno saccheggiando i supermercati.

Mi sento un po' la signora Fletcher...

35 weeks

And bloody scared. It's 5am and I'm awoke since 4 am or so, unable to sleep and praying for more and more movements. We are in our new home, which is still a mess but we managed to have a nice bedroom and a very comfy bed. I can hear the stream of the water and the birds. But I just can't sleep. I can't help but thinking that today last time Jacopo was already struggling inside me while I was having unaware sleeps and dreams. If he tried to make me understand he wasn't all right, I did not get it and this is something very hard to be over. I pray that Bianca will make me understand, I pray that she is fine in there. I want these last days to fly by.

John sleeps as a little baby next to me, god bless him and again I can't help but look at him and see my boy who had his nose and his beautiful black hair and I wonder if he can see me here, typing my thoughts at dawn, crying my eyes out and hoping that his little sister will arrive safe into this big world, maybe black haired like he was, to bring us joy and hope and to fill up a little bit that deep black hole which I have in my heart for almost one year.

Always loved never forgotten!

11 August

That's gonna be the booked day of induction. How do I feel? That's a really good question: I have no idea. Numb, emotionless, neutral.
She has dropped down, I felt her all day long, my consultant visited me and assured me that everything is looking good and I still live as if I'd walk on the cliff edge. Everyday I wake up waiting for a tragedy to happen.

I have to say that this odd situation has its bright side: everyday when I realise the tragedy hasn't happened I feel blessed and my never-ending joy is renewed over and over again.

11 August... 3 weeks to go. Could the Gods look after us, for once!

Is this your first baby?

- No, it's my second.
- How wonderful. And how old is your first one?
- He died

Frozen air.

I'm going through this on a daily basis. The first time it happened I was shocked and I lied. The second time I replied that yes, it was my first and mentally apologised to Jacopo. But then I felt so guilty that I swore it was never gonna happen again. Since the third time my standard reply is reported on top of this page. How kindly I deliver the concept that Jacopo left us depends on a few factors:
- if I'm in a good or bad mood
- if the person asking is a perfect stranger or not
- if the person asking asks during a conversation or throw out the question thinking that it's all right to mind my own business just because I'm pregnant.

Whichever is the way I explain that Jacopo did die, I feel 1000 times better this way than denying my son for the sake of people. I'm sorry if it's not the answer they expect, I'm sorry if this is shocking, incredible, terribly sad. I'm sorry if they feel uncomfortable, it is really not my problem. Finally I reckon it's about time that people get to understand that a dead child is still a child, and so, no, this isn't my first baby, and yes, I have a son who died. And, more importantly, NO, I won't forget my son JUST BECAUSE now I'm carrying a daughter. This is a very inaccurate assumption.

End of line.

Repainting our new home

We spent the whole day repainting our new home. I repainted as well, slowly and with frequent stops, but I did my part in the building up of our place. We made our bedroom and the nursery and pieces here and there of the other rooms. Later in the afternoon I sat down exhausted in my small terrace watching at the parrots on the tree in front of me. I thought that Bianca will love them, green and yellow, noisy and happy. I also heard many low flying planes on their way to Heathrow and I thought that Jacopo would have love them as any other little boy loves planes and trains. And again another moment of "will" and "would have" and again I felt happy and sad and in the middle of nowhere and so tired of not being able to say "is".