Another 18

Sometimes it's just too hard. It seems more difficult now with the good weather than a while ago. Maybe I had just pictured myself with Jacopo in a park and not alone following the same routine of one year ago. Routine which is tasteless. I feel stuck, repeating myself over and over again in a blind circle. These were supposed to be the last weeks of my maternity leave and every day that goes feels really heavy. I bought some new clothes for myself when I'd have had to buy new stuff for my growing son.  I had some sushi for dinner, alone at home, when I'd have had a 7 months old to wean. Every action reminds me where I am and where I should be and this place of mind isn't fun. I'm prepared to feel incomplete for the rest of my life and this is a kind of fair enough. It's this continuos parallelism of the real world and the one I had imagined that's slowly killing me. My mind can't rethink anything but me and John with Jacopo in a park with the sun and the gooses and the wind. A beautiful world which I'll never have.

Camber sands

Me again in front of the Ocean. I felt all right, with the sun warming my skin and the cold water lapping my feet. Then as often happens, I felt sad again. Jacopo should be with us, with his little feet in the water, enjoying for the first time in his little life the strength of the sea. Maybe he was there in the shape he always is. It's in the happiest and most beautiful moments that grief hurts more. Strange, isn't it? I'm kind of getting used to this sensation and it's not excruciating anymore, it's just there, always, in good as in bad days. So I was watching at the Ocean lost in my own thoughts when something very strong came from the inside and I felt hope and an undertone of joy and the breath of life to fight the death.

Thanks my Ladies, thanks. Maybe those white roses have reached the outlet of the River after all. I'll keep trying, I will.

I did it!

Long and hard day, but eventually worth the effort. Now I can retire.

Why am I putting myself through this additional stress is a question which doesn't get any answer. It's my fault, I overdid, I seriously overestimated my psychological stability and now all I can think about is: I can't make it.
But I have no choice
But I can't make it
But I have no choice

This loop of thoughts is giving me a headache.
I just want to fall asleep and wake up in the summer.
I have the mind numb, no concentration, no entusiasm, no self confidence and basically I just don't want to do it.

But I have no choice.
Shit.

Angel mother day

No cards, no flowers, no noise in the house, no special lunch, no expectations. A day like many others, outwardly. Inside, the hole is a bit deeper today than it was in a long time and the scar bleeds again. It's like having a thorn in my heart. It's there as a part of me. It doesn't hurt much until something suddenly makes it move and it pricks and I cry.

Nowhere

In between my past and my future, in a land I don't like and I'm not able to appreciate.

Spring?

I've been quiet for quite a while and not because I have nothing to say. Maybe there are subtitle emotions I'm not able to put in writing or maybe I'd just need to write them down in my mother tongue. It's been 6 months last week and I realised it while I was in a sunny square with someone I really love. I felt sad and happy and sad at the same time. It wasn't supposed to be this way, no, but we need to go on. Not to move on but to go on, me and who is with me in this very moment, in the hope that my gorgeous boy watches over us.
I've been overpowered after those days by a sense of unreality. What's my motherhood? does it all come down to the washing and ironing of little clothes? has it ever been real? will it ever be? All these questions dance in my mind and I feel immensely exhausted, like someone who already jumped too many hurdles and has so many in front of that she doesn't even begin to count.

What makes a mother

Not mine, I couldn't write a poem about God, but it's lovely.


I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
when your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say..."

We go to earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mum,
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My mummy set me free.

I miss my mummy oh so much
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows were I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear
Mummy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here."

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home
And this is where they'll stay."

"They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize
You are a mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one.


Unknown author

Overwhelmed

Too many things all together are happening and I feel a bit overwhelmed. Maybe in a good way, but still overwhelmed. I'm wondering if I will ever have an uneventful life. Maybe I have to look forward to my second 40 years. By now, I'll go with the flow of energy and breath.

Life

A new life starts the day of conception. Short or long, few weeks or an hundred years it doesn't matter, it deserves to be celebrated ever since.