Enough

The pram has been turned into a pushchair. You ate your first jacket potato, managed to drink some water, had a nice chat at the pub with us in your own peculiar language and now you're fast asleep in your 6-18 months gro bag. You are growing so fast.
I just wanted to tell you that today 2 years ago, dad and I found out we were expecting your brother, but you were so busy in learning the world that I gave up.
One day, I'll tell you. One day. You have learnt enough for today.

Non ho voglia di scrivere in inglese oggi, ho voglia di scrivere di getto emozioni e pensieri e non dover rileggere 3 volte  in cerca di errori grammaticali. Bianca avra' 6 mesi lunedi' prossimo e non riesco a capire dove il tempo sia volato via. Ora e' qui addormentata accanto a me con la sua tuta fucsia e io sono davanti alla finestra che guardo verso i docks e il cielo grigio che adesso e' davvero casa. Siamo alle prese con lo svezzamento e abbiamo deciso di andare nella direzione del baby led weaning (ci son cose che incredibilmente mi vengono piu' facili in inglese).
Mi sento tutto sommato bene, a volte un po' piu' giu' a volte un po' piu' su, ma questa e' la vita normale. Qualche tempo fa ho pure pensato in maniera cristallina che la mia vita non la cambierei con quella di nessun altro, nonostante tutta la merda in cui ho dovuto sguazzare. Non so come potrei vivere senza la Bianca piu' e non so come abbia potuto vivere prima senza di lei e mi sento in colpa per Jacopo perche' se ci fosse stato lui, lei non ci sarebbe stata e questo e' inaccettabile. Son discorsi del cazzo, ma tanto fa. Lei fra un mese andra' alla nursery, devo gia' trasformare la carrozzina in passeggino e metterla in camera sua. Lei ride e chiacchiera e sembra gia' grande. Stamani ha cercato di prendermi la tazza del caffe' di mano.

Mi chiedo a volte dove andro' da qui, ma per il momento non mi interessa. Mi interessa solo godermi ogni singolo istante di questa creaturina che cresce e di me e di quello che son diventata.

My family, my blog and I

Bianca was 4 months old 2 days ago. She is amazing and we are ready to spend our first Christmas together.
I'm getting back on my feet too. A friend of mine told me something very interesting the other day. She told me I spent so much time being me and Jacopo or/and me and Bianca which I have forgotten about being me. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know if I have any interest left apart for baby related stuff. I don't like this but I am also mentally exhausted and I find being a mum quite relaxing. In time I will be me again maybe.

Now: what to do with this blog? This blog was a place for me and my family but it was created in memory of Jacopo. Now Bianca keeps me very well attached to reality whereas Jacopo lives in my heart. I have much less time for myself and much more baby stories to tell. Besides being an angel mum brings a number of issues when it comes to earth motherhood. And a number of thoughts. I'm not sure if this is the right place for sharing, but I guess I'll start in the new year.

For now, happy (or as happy as possible) Christmas to everyone who bothered and bothers to read me.

11.11.11

The 11.11.11 at 11.11 Bianca was doing a massive poo on her changing table. Without nappy on. That of course happened thanks to the peculiar flow of energies...

Later today I was considering what I wrote yesterday about letting the rose go. I guess it has been more than a material object, it has been like letting him definitely go. This is the hardest part of being a parent I believe, at some point we need to let them go when they are ready to follow their way alone. Sky or earth, does it really matter?

The rose

There was a white dried rose in my wardrobe. It's been there for over a year and it was one of the roses of Jacopo's funeral flowers. It would have been in my wardrobe forever and year after year I would've seen it  fade.
John and I decided to give the River the rose instead. We wanted to let the last material object go. Now I have nothing else than my memories. My boy lives only in my heart and it is all right.
We didn't plan to do this symbolic act today but I was glad we did, because today last year it was my due date. Jacopo had different plans.
One year has gone and John and I decided that it is today that it feels right to remember our son, not the day he died, not the day he was born asleep but the day which brought us joy, we looked forward for months, we made the countdown for. The day he had to be born.

Bianca and I

Bianca and I started our day very early with some naughty wind which didn't want to come out. Coffee for mummy, milk for Bianca and off we went to the embassy. At lunch time we stopped by Cafe' Rouge next to Harrods where Bianca had her milk and mummy her sausage and mash, carrot cake and cappuccino (breastfeeding makes me quite hungry). Posh people gave us strange looks but most of them were very delighted at the sight of you in your sling. Then mummy had to introduce you at the fabulous world of shoes and brought you at Harrods... Sling and heels (or pram and heels) aren't the best match ever but we can work on it. With the providential sales on, mummy had to buy a cardigan for rapid boob access and a fab babygro but you didn't let her shopping much. Why do you cry in shops and smile outside? which kind of mini woman are you? Then we came back home ready for another meal and some sleep. You gave me a lot of cooing and smiles before falling asleep in your almost outgrown moses basket.

Tomorrow will be very similar to today and the day after tomorrow as well. I hope this is how it's going to be forever. This is how it should have been already. But today there is no space for complaints, sadness, regret. Today is a special normal day for Bianca and I.

CiaoLapo, Thanks

The Ocean took Jacopo and sent Bianca

The day's gone

and I feel I didn't do enough in memory of my boy. We spent the day among us, bringing Bianca out of London for the very first time. I thought about him all day. Memories came back more painful than ever. Bianca kept me busy enough. My imagining's been overwhelming sometimes. I also found the time to cry a bit, not much, maybe not enough.
I wanted to do something very special but I haven't even had the time to light a little candle and now that the day has gone I feel guilty.
What kind of mother am I? no answers, no emotions at the moment. I'm only an empty bowl which just wants to sleep and dream of a pain free world.

Memories

Today one year ago my lovely boy died in my womb maybe in my sleep. I did not realise until later in the afternoon he wasn't moving. This memory still kills me after 365 days.
Jacopo was then born after 3 days, peaceful, perfect and beautiful.
I remember every single second of that awful night. Words and emotions that sound out loud.
Now that Bianca is here, everyone is so excited with her that just forgot Jacopo or at least this is my impression. It hurts badly .
I just want him to be remembered.