So alike

Children are amazing

B had surgery to a shoulder a few days ago. When she woke up from the anesthetic she smiled to the nurses. She has been on IV antibiotics since then with several lines put on and come off and she never lost her good mood.
I have a lot to learn from her. When I feel sad for no reason, when I complain for my not stunning career, when I'm in a bad mood for the shit UK weather I need to keep in mind my daughter who tries to crawl in the hospital play room and has fun careless of the pain, the doctors and the whole awful situation.

Avevo detto che questo era un posto per me e la mia famiglia e dove mi sarei sentita a mio agio. Invece sono mesi che non scrivo nulla. Non ho scritto una parola della mia vita con la Bianca, dell'allattamento, dello svezzamento, dei suoi continui e gioiosi dadadada.
Non mi sembra il posto adatto per discutere di argomenti di accudimento su cui ogni giorno mi confronto, come l'allatamento prolungato, il blw, i pannolini lavabili, lo spremitette a lavoro, l'asilo, il viaggio in bus andata e ritorno.
Mi sembra di fare un torto a tutte le mamme che finiscono qua e non sono ancora nello spazio mentale di voler sapere che cosa c'e' una volta fuori dal tunnel. Perche' io mi reputo fuori. Il che non significa che non pianga piu' il mio angelo. Ma significa che forse ho imparato in una qualche strana forma a convivere con quello che e' successo. Qualche giorno meglio, altri peggio.

La Bianca ha 9 mesi, va all'asilo da 2, mangia da sola a tavola con i grandi, muore dalla voglia di camminare ma ancora non ha capito come si fa. Ogni giorno la guardo e penso che e' la bambina piu' bella dell'universo (ovviamente). Quando la notte piange e dal suo lettino la porto nel mio, si dorme abbracciate (quando non mi scaccia e vuole starsene per i fatti suoi). E la mattina si sveglia e mi dice 'Da' e io le do il buongiorno. Poi ci alziamo, prepariamo e andiamo insieme a scuola e a lavoro. Il martedi' andiamo in piscina e lei nuota sott'acqua con gli occhi aperti e io le canto mille canzoni. La sera quando torniamo a casa prepariamo insieme la cena per babbo che di solito torna piu' tardi di noi. Quando babbo arriva e' sempre una grandissima festa, piena di mille da e de e te. E infine si va a letto, a volte con piu' voglia a volte con meno, a volte fra i pianti, altre senza battere ciglio. E cosi' si ricomincia da capo. Spero per sempre.

A new phase

I'm approaching a new phase of my life. End of maternity leave, back to work, Bianca at nursery. I have mixed feeling about this whole thing. I was loving being a full time mum and having no worries except for nappies and feeds. I'm also concerned about someone else caring for my baby all day. On the other hand, it'll be good to be at work at full potential after so much time. I feel confused. I'm aware things will ever be the same for me at work. I don't think I'll ever be able to be so dedicated as I was before the storm. But I need to progress in my career at least a bit because I know I'll get frustrated if I start to feel stuck. It's all about learning how to do more in the less time I have, I believe. Let's see how it goes after the rainbow. Maybe the new spectrum of colours will help so see everything more clearly.

Enough

The pram has been turned into a pushchair. You ate your first jacket potato, managed to drink some water, had a nice chat at the pub with us in your own peculiar language and now you're fast asleep in your 6-18 months gro bag. You are growing so fast.
I just wanted to tell you that today 2 years ago, dad and I found out we were expecting your brother, but you were so busy in learning the world that I gave up.
One day, I'll tell you. One day. You have learnt enough for today.

Non ho voglia di scrivere in inglese oggi, ho voglia di scrivere di getto emozioni e pensieri e non dover rileggere 3 volte  in cerca di errori grammaticali. Bianca avra' 6 mesi lunedi' prossimo e non riesco a capire dove il tempo sia volato via. Ora e' qui addormentata accanto a me con la sua tuta fucsia e io sono davanti alla finestra che guardo verso i docks e il cielo grigio che adesso e' davvero casa. Siamo alle prese con lo svezzamento e abbiamo deciso di andare nella direzione del baby led weaning (ci son cose che incredibilmente mi vengono piu' facili in inglese).
Mi sento tutto sommato bene, a volte un po' piu' giu' a volte un po' piu' su, ma questa e' la vita normale. Qualche tempo fa ho pure pensato in maniera cristallina che la mia vita non la cambierei con quella di nessun altro, nonostante tutta la merda in cui ho dovuto sguazzare. Non so come potrei vivere senza la Bianca piu' e non so come abbia potuto vivere prima senza di lei e mi sento in colpa per Jacopo perche' se ci fosse stato lui, lei non ci sarebbe stata e questo e' inaccettabile. Son discorsi del cazzo, ma tanto fa. Lei fra un mese andra' alla nursery, devo gia' trasformare la carrozzina in passeggino e metterla in camera sua. Lei ride e chiacchiera e sembra gia' grande. Stamani ha cercato di prendermi la tazza del caffe' di mano.

Mi chiedo a volte dove andro' da qui, ma per il momento non mi interessa. Mi interessa solo godermi ogni singolo istante di questa creaturina che cresce e di me e di quello che son diventata.

My family, my blog and I

Bianca was 4 months old 2 days ago. She is amazing and we are ready to spend our first Christmas together.
I'm getting back on my feet too. A friend of mine told me something very interesting the other day. She told me I spent so much time being me and Jacopo or/and me and Bianca which I have forgotten about being me. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know if I have any interest left apart for baby related stuff. I don't like this but I am also mentally exhausted and I find being a mum quite relaxing. In time I will be me again maybe.

Now: what to do with this blog? This blog was a place for me and my family but it was created in memory of Jacopo. Now Bianca keeps me very well attached to reality whereas Jacopo lives in my heart. I have much less time for myself and much more baby stories to tell. Besides being an angel mum brings a number of issues when it comes to earth motherhood. And a number of thoughts. I'm not sure if this is the right place for sharing, but I guess I'll start in the new year.

For now, happy (or as happy as possible) Christmas to everyone who bothered and bothers to read me.

11.11.11

The 11.11.11 at 11.11 Bianca was doing a massive poo on her changing table. Without nappy on. That of course happened thanks to the peculiar flow of energies...

Later today I was considering what I wrote yesterday about letting the rose go. I guess it has been more than a material object, it has been like letting him definitely go. This is the hardest part of being a parent I believe, at some point we need to let them go when they are ready to follow their way alone. Sky or earth, does it really matter?

The rose

There was a white dried rose in my wardrobe. It's been there for over a year and it was one of the roses of Jacopo's funeral flowers. It would have been in my wardrobe forever and year after year I would've seen it  fade.
John and I decided to give the River the rose instead. We wanted to let the last material object go. Now I have nothing else than my memories. My boy lives only in my heart and it is all right.
We didn't plan to do this symbolic act today but I was glad we did, because today last year it was my due date. Jacopo had different plans.
One year has gone and John and I decided that it is today that it feels right to remember our son, not the day he died, not the day he was born asleep but the day which brought us joy, we looked forward for months, we made the countdown for. The day he had to be born.