Correvi...

...libero con il tuo scooter, con la tua testolina lucente di capelli neri. E mi dicevi 'mamma, guarda come vado veloce!' Poi sparivi nella luce e io tornavo alla realta'.

Redecoration

I had a make over for the first time since Sept,15th. Isn't it a historic day?
As I'm not doing very well at the moment, I took the day off and went to Oxford. I was wandering here and there and I remembered I had a free make over session to redeem and so I did. It was weird to look myself in the mirror with mascara and eye shadow after so many months, but somehow it felt a bit better. Maybe a hairstyle tomorrow helps me out to go through another day.

Tough spring days

I'm not doing particularly well lately. Yesterday it was just one of those days. We met someone who had a son a few months before I had Jacopo. No need to highlight that baby lived and he's a nice and smily 11 months old. Pain shot me down. All these babies that grow up around me, become children, learn how to walk, talk, be little people. All these babies except mine. I know it isn't just mine, but seriously sometimes I feel the only black sheep surrounded by happy families. I'm not sure for how long I'll be able to hold together.

Remembrance day

Yesterday it was the day of Remembrance at my hospital. I went to the service and sit down in the same room where I had my antenatal classes. Last time I stepped in there we were talking about breastfeeding a week before Jacopo's death. 

We read some poems, we listened to music, they sang a song and we lit  some candles.

I cried and cried, as I haven's done in months, silently, tears after tears until I had swollen eyes and dry skin. And it didn't stop for hours. It hasn't stopped yet, to be honest.

After days of new weird normal, other thoughts and worries, other tasks to focused on and concerns to think of, the grief came back as a thunderstorm with heavy rain and lightening. Apparently Jacopo needs his space, needs his mother's full attention, needs me completely focused on him. And he will have me, just for him, sometimes.

In our new home, I want to find a quite corner close to the River and I want it to be dedicated to my son. A place where I can go and grieve and cry and smile and bring a flower or lit a candle. A place close to me where I can bring my children and teach them that death is part of life, it doesn't have to be denied because the memories of who we loved will be with us until our own death and they claim space in our lives. Even just a day or two per year of full dedicated attention. 

Another mother day

For me one has been enough for this year but THIS is a great post dedicated to all the Unseen Mothers.

Sun in Cornwall

After a week in the wild (or so) I do feel lighter. The healing power of the Ocean is impressive. I had this conversation with an Australian friend a while ago and we both agreed we need the sound of the sea once in a while. I'm planning to get it quite often now on. We enjoyed the camping as well, two people, a tend and a car and a lot of nice fish. Tomorrow we are back in the routine, but maybe the light and the sun can help me out to go through it a bit better. We shall see what we shall see...