Sunday, 18 September 2011

The day's gone

and I feel I didn't do enough in memory of my boy. We spent the day among us, bringing Bianca out of London for the very first time. I thought about him all day. Memories came back more painful than ever. Bianca kept me busy enough. My imagining's been overwhelming sometimes. I also found the time to cry a bit, not much, maybe not enough.
I wanted to do something very special but I haven't even had the time to light a little candle and now that the day has gone I feel guilty.
What kind of mother am I? no answers, no emotions at the moment. I'm only an empty bowl which just wants to sleep and dream of a pain free world.

Thursday, 15 September 2011


Today one year ago my lovely boy died in my womb maybe in my sleep. I did not realise until later in the afternoon he wasn't moving. This memory still kills me after 365 days.
Jacopo was then born after 3 days, peaceful, perfect and beautiful.
I remember every single second of that awful night. Words and emotions that sound out loud.
Now that Bianca is here, everyone is so excited with her that just forgot Jacopo or at least this is my impression. It hurts badly .
I just want him to be remembered.

Monday, 5 September 2011

Being a parent after loss

put everything in perspective. I'm so happy pregnancy is over that I of course did not have any baby blue, I'm not worried about sleepless nights, dirty nappies, daily laundries and breastfeeding issues.
Whatever happens now on is for sure better than a funeral.
The worst is over! (for a while at least)