11.11.11

The 11.11.11 at 11.11 Bianca was doing a massive poo on her changing table. Without nappy on. That of course happened thanks to the peculiar flow of energies...

Later today I was considering what I wrote yesterday about letting the rose go. I guess it has been more than a material object, it has been like letting him definitely go. This is the hardest part of being a parent I believe, at some point we need to let them go when they are ready to follow their way alone. Sky or earth, does it really matter?

The rose

There was a white dried rose in my wardrobe. It's been there for over a year and it was one of the roses of Jacopo's funeral flowers. It would have been in my wardrobe forever and year after year I would've seen it  fade.
John and I decided to give the River the rose instead. We wanted to let the last material object go. Now I have nothing else than my memories. My boy lives only in my heart and it is all right.
We didn't plan to do this symbolic act today but I was glad we did, because today last year it was my due date. Jacopo had different plans.
One year has gone and John and I decided that it is today that it feels right to remember our son, not the day he died, not the day he was born asleep but the day which brought us joy, we looked forward for months, we made the countdown for. The day he had to be born.

Bianca and I

Bianca and I started our day very early with some naughty wind which didn't want to come out. Coffee for mummy, milk for Bianca and off we went to the embassy. At lunch time we stopped by Cafe' Rouge next to Harrods where Bianca had her milk and mummy her sausage and mash, carrot cake and cappuccino (breastfeeding makes me quite hungry). Posh people gave us strange looks but most of them were very delighted at the sight of you in your sling. Then mummy had to introduce you at the fabulous world of shoes and brought you at Harrods... Sling and heels (or pram and heels) aren't the best match ever but we can work on it. With the providential sales on, mummy had to buy a cardigan for rapid boob access and a fab babygro but you didn't let her shopping much. Why do you cry in shops and smile outside? which kind of mini woman are you? Then we came back home ready for another meal and some sleep. You gave me a lot of cooing and smiles before falling asleep in your almost outgrown moses basket.

Tomorrow will be very similar to today and the day after tomorrow as well. I hope this is how it's going to be forever. This is how it should have been already. But today there is no space for complaints, sadness, regret. Today is a special normal day for Bianca and I.

CiaoLapo, Thanks

The Ocean took Jacopo and sent Bianca

The day's gone

and I feel I didn't do enough in memory of my boy. We spent the day among us, bringing Bianca out of London for the very first time. I thought about him all day. Memories came back more painful than ever. Bianca kept me busy enough. My imagining's been overwhelming sometimes. I also found the time to cry a bit, not much, maybe not enough.
I wanted to do something very special but I haven't even had the time to light a little candle and now that the day has gone I feel guilty.
What kind of mother am I? no answers, no emotions at the moment. I'm only an empty bowl which just wants to sleep and dream of a pain free world.

Memories

Today one year ago my lovely boy died in my womb maybe in my sleep. I did not realise until later in the afternoon he wasn't moving. This memory still kills me after 365 days.
Jacopo was then born after 3 days, peaceful, perfect and beautiful.
I remember every single second of that awful night. Words and emotions that sound out loud.
Now that Bianca is here, everyone is so excited with her that just forgot Jacopo or at least this is my impression. It hurts badly .
I just want him to be remembered.

Being a parent after loss

put everything in perspective. I'm so happy pregnancy is over that I of course did not have any baby blue, I'm not worried about sleepless nights, dirty nappies, daily laundries and breastfeeding issues.
Whatever happens now on is for sure better than a funeral.
The worst is over! (for a while at least)

Hiccups

The most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life

Io, le rivolte e i disastri naturali

Ero in Peru' nel 2000 quando Lima era sotto assedio per l'elezione di Fujimori, in Nepal nel 2001-2002 quando i maoisti erano in rivolta e c'era il coprifuoco (meta cambiata perche' originariamente dovevo andare in Egitto, ma date le torri gemelli mi sembrava saggio evitare paesi arabi), nel 2004 vado in Birmania e a fine 2004 lo tsunami distrugge la Birmania. nel 2005 parto per il Brasile e un brasiliano viene ammazzato durante i disordini di Londra: allerta in Brasile per possibili rivolte. Vado in Thailandia nel 2006 dove notoriamente non succedeva una sega da decenni e esplodono un paio di bombe a Bangkok il giorno prima.  Dopo qualche anno di tregua quest'inverno scampo per un pelo l'inondazione in Australia e ora che devo andare a partorire (dopodomani), Londra e' messa a ferro e fuoco dai rivoltosi che stanno saccheggiando i supermercati.

Mi sento un po' la signora Fletcher...