Monday 18 April 2011
Another 18
Sometimes it's just too hard. It seems more difficult now with the good weather than a while ago. Maybe I had just pictured myself with Jacopo in a park and not alone following the same routine of one year ago. Routine which is tasteless. I feel stuck, repeating myself over and over again in a blind circle. These were supposed to be the last weeks of my maternity leave and every day that goes feels really heavy. I bought some new clothes for myself when I'd have had to buy new stuff for my growing son. I had some sushi for dinner, alone at home, when I'd have had a 7 months old to wean. Every action reminds me where I am and where I should be and this place of mind isn't fun. I'm prepared to feel incomplete for the rest of my life and this is a kind of fair enough. It's this continuos parallelism of the real world and the one I had imagined that's slowly killing me. My mind can't rethink anything but me and John with Jacopo in a park with the sun and the gooses and the wind. A beautiful world which I'll never have.
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io penso che pensare a ciò che non è non ti sia di grande aiuto. Capisco che i pensieri vadano da soli senza troppo poterli dirigere ma io proverei a costringermi a non pensare a ciò che avrebbe dovuto essere la tua vita secondo la tua immaginazione perchè è decisamente irrealizzabile (e quindi non può che far male e rinnovare il dolore). L'irrealizzabile ci infonde inevitabilmente impotenza, insicurezza e tristezza. Piuttosto mi forzerei ad immaginare un nuovo promettente futuro che invece è molto probabilmente realizzabile (e quinid può dare entusiasmo slancio e vitalità). I progetti per il futuro invece danno spinta ad andare avanti a seguire una scia vitale.
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