The pregnancy after the pregnancy after loss*

It's impressive how little I have got my head around this new baby arrival. As a better blogger than me said, it must be the pregnancy after the pregnancy after loss. All the worries and emotional roller-coaster have been spent during the pregnancy after loss and nothing remains except a overall sense of helplessness. Which I'm not sure it's a good or bad thing.
I packed and shipped all his stuff and now that I'm pretty sure they won't arrive on time I start to worry and feel guilty. I don't even have a car seat to bring him back from the hospital. I don't even have a hospital actually - obviously in my renewed naive life philosophy that everything is going to be OK regardless my direct experience, I cannot even contemplate the possibility that something will not go all right -.

I'm so disorganized that I'm stupid. And the bad news is that I have no energy to do more. My entire package of energy disappeared a couple of days ago with John finally back and with no plans to go away for the foreseeable future. I'm drained. I'm a vegetable and I only want to sleep and wake up after labour with a functional house, a beautiful nursery and lots of accessories.
I would leave Bianca at school even at night if I could, thought that brings along more guilt but hey, it's life! no one said it is easy sail.

On the plus side, Houston is the easiest city ever to live in. Everything is close, everything is large, no need for too many clothes, everything is here as long as you have the address. Do not even think about finding places randomly because you'll end up wandering for hours alongside never-ending boulevards and 8 lines highways. Do you want a restaurant, a shop, a playground? Google it and put the navigation on. This is where my understanding of this place has got so far.

*@findingmynewnormal: sorry I have stolen the headline, but it's so effective... hopefully you will not sue me for plagiarism.

Fede Fede it's a lovely day*

Yesterday I cried my eyes out. I cried for when I had to be strong because Bianca was around asking 'what's going on Mum', for when I felt miserable and lonely, for when I felt left behind. I cried for all the people I had to say goodbye to, for all the places I called home, for the choices I made which weren't such a good idea. I cried because I'm not indestructible and I'm proud I am not.
Today I feel bloody well. It's sunny, it's hot, Bianca is enjoying her new school, I have lots of time for myself and basically I have nothing to do. This is f@@ing cool and never happened to me before.

So apparently the solution is probably: cry your eyes out, have a coffee, or chocolate or vodka, let yourself be miserable on the couch (if you have one) and sleep on it. The day after chances are that you wake up and feel great.

 *this helped putting a smile back on my face.

Memories from 2006

It's not too hard to remember the first weeks or even months in London. I was a very different person back then and I had to escape a very confusing situation and a painful period of my life. So I did what I had to do, let myself be sucked up by the thousands of inputs that London offers who is up for them. I walked for kilometres, I visited museums, expositions, shops, gardens, places, restaurants, streets and neighbourhoods. I remember I used to walk with the Ipod and the earphones to shut myself off the external world. I was very lonely. I didn't speak English well at all and I can remember many evenings at the pub struggling to understand a single conversation and just dreaming to be home on my own. 'Home' was a tiny studio flat, next to Hammersmith Hospital in the good old days pre-Westfield and pre-Du Cane Road renovation. It was scary to go home at night but I loved that tiny teeny flat nevertheless. I had everything under control and for some reason I wasn't afraid. I was lonely, but eager to know, to learn, to find myself again, so many times lost and so many times somehow re-won.
Then came friends, then came John, then came a normal life. We moved to our second home on the riverside and we have been very happy and very desperate there and life got going. Our third home on the docks was really ours, bought spending all our savings. I remember at some point our balance was just 60 quids and we moved in with me expecting Bianca, due in a couple of weeks and just a toilet and a microwave oven. I remembered we were going to take a shower at work and we were eating canned or microwavable food. And just when everything was finally settled down, again we decided to engage in a new dance. So the decision to move here and the rest is life now.

Back then I was younger. Now I'm not alone.

My life in Texas - part 1

How is this Italian old girl, almost naturalised British, feeling about her new life in Texas is something everybody is wondering about.
The truth is 'I don't know'. It's too early, too different, too weird. I'm too tired, too pregnant, too inert.
So I guess I can attempt to fill up a list of pros and cons of this new life/country and get on from there.

Pros:
- the weather (although today is a bit chilly)
- the taste of fruits/vegs (they actually HAVE a taste, which I had kinda forgotten)
- the water distributor built on my fridge
- 10-15 min to reach everything (by car/no parking problems)
- all that is cool in this city is at bike distance from our new home (once I'll be able to ride a bike again)

Cons:
- I cannot find the city centre
- there is not a nice walk from home to an interesting point
- I am supposed to pay for absolutely everything or if something free of charge actually exists I haven't found it yet?
- the accent
- the fact that B and babyboy will get this accent
- I'm lonely lonely lonely (expected obviously, not such an idiot to think otherwise, nevertheless annoying).

Let's see where I'm going from here. At least all the admin stuff is done and I just have to wait for cards to arrive and things to happen.

How you get ready for your n-kid

Jacopo had everything ready months in advance.
Bianca had everything ready because she got Jacopo's things. They weren't in display until the very end for obvious reasons (house move included) but her clothes and stuff were there, ready to be used.
This one possesses nothing at all. All his siblings' stuff is lost between here and the UK and I'm not sure it will arrive on time. I just had one (ONE) babygro and one toy.
So yesterday I decided to take some action and to buy a few bits for a small hospital bag which at some point I have to decide to prepare. In principle I still have lots of time (namely more than a month) but you never know. So now this no-named new babyboy possesses 5 babygros, 2 sleepsuits and a pack of nappies (sorry diapers).
You're better off  staying put a bit longer babyboy!!

I wonder what will happen if I ever decide to have another baby? Will he walk naked until age 5?

7 anni e 4 mesi

Come ogni brava coppia, ci lasciamo dopo 7 anni di una intensa relazione di amore e odio. Hai lasciato prendere a me la decisione, mettendomi alle strette. Non mi hai offerto niente che mi convincesse a non lasciarti, non ti sei fatta amare con i tua metereopatia e lunaticita'.

Pero' siamo state felici, abbiamo bevuto e ballato insieme, ci siamo cullate nell'arte, nello spettacolo, nella musica e nello shopping, mi hai insegnato un mestiere nuovo che spero di poter continuare a fare anche se lontana da te. Sei stata la casa dei miei figli e hai ospitato il mio matrimonio. Abbiamo conosciuto e salutato decine di persone, alcune frequentate per pochi mesi, altre con cui abbiamo condiviso anni, momenti belli e momenti terribilmente difficili.

Adesso la nostra relazione si e' esaurita, lo so, lo sento. Le vibrazioni di un tempo non ci sono piu', ci conosciamo forse troppo bene, non so, e anche se negli anni abbiamo imparato a rinnovarsi, adesso sento la necessita' di ripartire da zero. 

Ma non credo che riusciro' mai a dimenticarti e ti ringrazio di avermi reso la persona che senza di te non sarei mai potuta essere. Una persona con le spalle un po' piu' larghe, con la mente un po' piu' aperta, con le aspirazioni un po' piu' alte. 

Nei prossimi giorni preparero' la mia valigia e volero' lontano, probabilmente per non ritornare.

Grazie e addio Londra.